I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Randomize
