Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
