I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
