i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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