Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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