is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
im six kinds of drunk right now
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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