I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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