I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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