you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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