I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
