I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
