i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
