new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
