she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I want her autograph on my taint
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
