Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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