I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
