hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
