I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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