I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
