I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
