Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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