I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
