Your mouth is God's brothel.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
