I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
