Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
