Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
