the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
