my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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