Christians are straight up FREAKS
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
