I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I can tuck mytits in my pants
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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