I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Every concussion has its silver lining
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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