Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
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Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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