Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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