I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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