: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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