Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
