One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
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