Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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