did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
