it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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