the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
