bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
