she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
they call him Oral-B. enough said
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
