More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
