youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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