i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
