you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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