I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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