Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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