o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
