you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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