Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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