I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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