Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
