I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
