is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
