Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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